A Father’s Love

As I sit here waiting to find out when we can take my father’s body home to be buried next to his parents and listening for movement from the bedroom to say my mother needs me I think back on my childhood. Many people say you can not possibly remember your childhood’s early years.  I guess it depends on what those early years were like.
I remember a series of homes or buildings with beds where people lived who were paid to care for me and that is all they did. No one loved me or held me and told me that I was someone worth knowing for the first three years of my life.
I remember my third birthday perfectly. Right down to the dress I was wearing. I had never celebrated a birthday before  but now I was in the home that would become my forever home with two adults that loved me and wanted me.  That’s powerful for a child and something you never forget. Sure I have forgotten a lot of my childhood but I have not forgotten what matters the most.
I remember a huge family coming to the house that was to be my forever home for dinner and cake and ice cream. i don’t remember ever having cake or ice cream before that day. I remember tons of presents from this group of strangers called family and I remember the man who would be my daddy and the man who would become my favorite uncle taking turns riding me on their backs and the women fussing at them if they hurt me they would not let them keep me. That really scared me. I know they were joking but when your three and want someone to keep you its terrifying to hear they might not get to so I held on so tight they said I was choking them.
I remember the dress because the man who would be my daddy took me to the store just me and him and said he was buying me a birthday dress. He bought me a beautiful mint green dress, white tights and white patent leather shoes with panties that had ruffles on them. (Yes, I was one of those kids who dressed prissy)
Life changed for me in that house so much so that I never wondered why I was not wanted in the first place. It only mattered that I was wanted now.  My parents spoiled me there is no denying that. They spoiled me more than I care to admit but they also taught me good values and morals so that I never became a spoiled brat.  They raised me to believe in myself and not ever let anyone put me down or make fun of me.  I remember coming home from Kindergarten and while I ate my snack I asked my mom why kids called me a zebra.  She got very upset and said maybe they thought zebra’s were the most beautiful thing on earth. That made me so proud. But that evening I heard her crying and telling my dad she wanted to put me in private school because kids were being mean to me. I did not notice honestly that I had a black father and white mother. It just did not occur to me that they were different from anyone else.  I knew I had lived in homes where everyone was black and in homes where every one was white. So I guess I did not see color that early in life.
As I got older I asked more and the fact that I always knew I was adopted made me wonder all that much more why I had the light coffee colored skin but did not fit in with black families and none wanted to adopt me. But I also did not fit in with white families and none of them wanted to adopt me.  Finally when I was in second grade my parents set me down and had a long talk trying to explain to me why I was different. I did have a biological white mother and a biological black father who could not keep me. So they told me.
So from then on I did not care what others called me or said about me I knew why I looked different and that was alright with me.  The fact that the same mixture of family adopted me made us a perfect family to me.
I remember dad teaching me to ride a bike, how to swim for hours on end. How to fly a kite, throw a softball, how to bowl and taking me to my mothers dance studio for my dance classes. I remember him taking me out for dinner on our daddy and daughter date. We always had so much fun together. I remember him reading to me from day one and so happy and eager when he taught me to read.  I remember him teaching me to drive and the tears in his eyes when I graduated High school and left for college. I remember him crying when I graduated college and moved to New York City to make it on my own. I remember him calling every night to ask did I remember to lock my doors.  I remember my dad flying to me when I broke a bone or was sick and taking care of me.
I am not trying to say Mom did not take care of me because she did and we spent just as much time together.   But this is a tribute to my dad.

I have heard people say over the years anyone can be a father but not everyone can be a daddy. My dad was both. He may not have been my biological father but to him I was his everything. He would tell anyone I was his reason for living.
I remember three months after turning 19 getting a letter in the mail from Social Services saying the enclosed letter was being sent to me on behalf of my biological mother who wanted to make contact. I did not open the letter until I was 20 years old. It upset my parents that I would not open it and it upset them that it had come at all. Finally on a visit home my dad walked in and handed me the letter (I had left it at their house. I truly had no interest in learning about this woman who gave birth to me) His exact words were only she can answer the questions you had as a child as to why you were given up.
I read the letter with them there. I wish I could say her words hurt me but it was like reading a letter a stranger wrote to me.
I read out loud and I could see my parents getting angry, upset and feeling emotions I was not feeling and maybe it was not normal but I did not care why she gave me up I was honestly happy she had because I had the perfect parents.
My birth mother had gotten pregnant by a boy she dated in college unknown to her family.  He was black and she was white. This was 25 years ago so its not like it was back in the olden days when this was unheard of. But she knew her family would never accept me.  So she never told them about me. Her parents were both dead now and so was her brother. The only ones who still did not know about me were her current White husband and their four children but if I was willing to meet her she would eventually tell them about me and have me meet them too if they wanted to.   So suddenly I have four half siblings and a woman who gave birth to me that may or may not want to be a part of my life.  I did not want to even entertain the thoughts of meeting any of them much less have them in my life.

Many people guess my origin as Italian because I do have a tanned color to me until I go in the sun and then I look like someone who has been in the sun to much. I have silky hair and other than my coloring you do not know I have black blood in me. I loved it when people would tell my parents I looked like both of them and we all smiled and winked at each other.  But this women who gave birth to me made me feel like she wanted to meet me first to see how much of my biological father I had in me before she would think of telling her family about me. I use the name Shaniqua Fason on social media because it is the name the foster system gave to me. My birth mother never gave me a name. And I do not want to use my adopted name on Social Media simply because I like my private life to be private.
I grew up with the best of both worlds where the color of someone’s skin did not determine if you loved them or not. It did not determine who they were or who they could become.  It was just skin.  Nothing more and nothing less. Just skin.
When I told my parents I did not want to meet her or even answer her letter they told me I had to write back and tell her I was not ready for contact at this time which is basically the shortest thing I have ever written to anyone in my life. (You read my blogs you know I get long winded right?)
My father was diagnosed with cancer three years ago. He went through all the treatments and was in remission. In June he came out of remission and was very sick. This time the cancer had spread through his body and it was just to late to do anything for him.  The cancer was going to take my daddy away from me. I left NY and rushed to Fla where my parents have a home and spent the last months of his life loving my dad and making sure he knew how much I loved him and how wonderful a father he was.Not because I had any quilt over growing up and leaving home but because I would not have tomorrows with him and I wanted every today I could possibly have.  We had great memories together to talk about and laugh about.  Not long after the doctor told him he was terminal he asked me to do one favor for him. If I ever did meet my biological family to not leave my mom behind. And to enjoy every single day on earth and live my life to the fullest.  I promised him I would do my best to take care of mom as well as he had and that she was my mother just like he was my father. There would never be anyone else who held those titles because they earned them by loving me as their own.
I Know I will miss him every day of my life and the only regret I have is not giving him the grandchild he kept teasing me about but one day I will adopt a little boy and give him my father’s name. I cant think of any legacy better than that to repay the man who loved me as his own child.

They Dance, They Sing , They Act, Allegedly

OK here I go again on the subject of Dance Moms. I have to say its plenty of food for fodder for blogs and seems everyone is talking about them.   But now they are “Triple Threats” Or so Abby says.  Lets look at these triple threats work.

1. Kendall has become Kendall K.  Abby Lee Miller produced a video for this beautiful little girl that all of a sudden got yanked down because face it this thing was horrible. Absolutely insanely horrible.  I don’t know what Abby has about auto tune but she is making enough money off these kids now she should really hire out the music part of it because she hasn’t got a clue.
Abby shows the making of the video where allegedly military are lined up and she is throwing water in their faces and barking orders at them. Good way to show respect for the military Abby. NOT.  I think they are actors myself.  I don’t believe it was shot on a military base either. Looks more like a bunker or a private airport or deserted warehouse.  But never the less. The choreography just sucks. Plain and simple it sucks. The scenes flash around  so much what little you see of the dancers suck. The singing is horrible. AUTO TUNED TO DEATH. You cant understand a single word this child is saying, Wear em out on the floor? Let me give you a clue here Abby. Wear Em out on the Floor should have been a competition elimination scene, one by one dancers dropping and Kendall being the victor.  No you went Military that has not one damn thing to do with the song. Why? To make this child fail? Why so much Auto Tune? To make this child fail?  You cant ever allow anyone to outshine the star in your eyes regardless of who the fans show they prefer.  But Momma is so brainwashed that Abby will make her kid famous she wont budge and get her with a real producer. Why?  Abby will always make her second best if that high.  Don’t forget there are two Zeiglers. So maybe third. If you pay her enough.

Now lets talk about this child so excited to have her video released and crushed when the public hated it. Wrong message. You never disrespect the military and this entire video did just that. You never have music so loud you can barely hear the chipmunk singing in the back ground. And you never have the dancers portraying sexy divas in a child’s video. NEVER. Plus you missed the mark with the song and the scene. Dance. Kendall K is known as Kendall from Dance moms. Dance. Wear em out on the floor. As in DANCE floor.  Duh. Didn’t think of that did you. So now the child takes to twitter asking everyone to delete the video that it was not ready to be released yet. Hello Abby, Did you make her say that? Do you realize how incompetent that one little tweet made you look. Not ready but released as the official video.  Now Rumor is it is being remade with a marching band. Oh Majorette style? Are the dancing dolls going to be in it. Bring IT!!!  Still missing the mark. Your show is not about Majorette dancing. That’s already on Lifetime. Don’t you watch TV?

So Kendall once again gets let down and made to look second best when Nia’s video comes out looking professionally put together, oh maybe because it was, and Kendall has to pull her video and remake it to try to beat Nia’s. Once again making the child look bad.  This little beauty has a beautiful voice but Abby Auto tunes her to sound like a chipmunk singing. Why? Only one winner kids get used to it. Its not you.
Kendall’s dancing is starting to show her as a better dancer,  The sad thing is there are videos out there of Kendall when she was at Studio 19 much younger and a much better dancer with strong technique. Ummm what happened when she came to ALDC? Dancing bad for the camera so no one knows she is a great dancer?  Sure looks that way. As for acting, first you must be able to read simple words. You could have knocked me over with a feather when they aired this child reading from a script and mispronouncing words.  Really? Put her back in school.  I guess they all act to a certain degree on this fake reality show but Kendall’s true emotions show on her face. Like she said she doesn’t love dancing her mom does and my bet is she does not want to be in this situation at all. But her mom is loud overboard and determined to hog as much camera time for herself as possible. Go pitch a real housewives show already. You are on the wrong show.

2.  McKenzie is a living doll , Her talents are not being used to her best on this show. Can she act?  She is a natural and any producer with a vision should be able to work with her to teach her to act.  The camera loves her natural beauty. If they had started when she was seven years old she would be all the rage today. But she was not the one mom wanted to be a star. So she is pushed to the side and given baby dances to keep from showing this girl is an amazing dancer and out dances her sister with technique and emotions. Just go to one recital and watch them dance side by side to see the real McKenzie dance. To see the real not faked or forced facial expressions of a child who wants to be noticed and is pushed in the corner. She is the star in this family being allowed to wilt away.

Can she sing. Yes she can. Thank God for leaked videos they are not supposed to put out there we all know Kenzie (and Kendall)  has a great voice until Abby gets her fingers on the Auto tune button and ruins it.   If you don’t believe Abby punished these kids just go find the video of Kenzie singing on a local news format show where she is singing over top the music instead of lip singing and her voice cracks numerous times. Last one she was allowed to put out until now. Now Nia puts out a hit and Kenzie is working on a new one too.  Please Abby stop making these kids compete against each other and put each other down. Let them all shine for their own talents and stop using auto tune to make them all sound terrible so they don’t out shine or rise above your favorite. The whole world already is saying your wrong so why are you still fighting it instead of admitting you put all your eggs in the wrong basket? Let Kenzie Shine on her own.  Girl Party, Maddie dancing front and center in front of Kenzie, Shine, Maddie dancing when Kenzie could have done the entire video.   This is Kenzies Career and Abby has to put Maddie front and center to take away from her and their mother allows it. Why?  Oh and the damn name Abby tagged on her MackZ Music. She is not a little boy she is a beautiful little girl and the world knows and loves her as McKenzie not MackZ. Its a stupid name and degrading to this little girl. ANYONE OUT THERE? Rescue this child. Show her mother her worth so she will suddenly have a shot. Get her out of Abbys controls. Hello Kurt Zeigler the whole world wants to know where you are and why your not stepping up to protect your daughters.

3. Nia Frazier- She has been portrayed for five seasons as the underdog on the show. Everyone loves a good underdog story right?  She isn’t by any means the under dog. Not by a long shot. She is multi talented and could have a long career if her mom would stop acting like she is upset over how her child is treated on this show and prove it by removing her and putting her with someone who will appreciate her. Face it. She was sold down the river. My bet is Kenzie and Nia are the ONLY true triple threats on this show. That’s not bad for the rest of them. No one has to be a triple threat to succeed they just have to be the best at what they are the best at.  Nia was not allowed to show her talents on this show.  Why? Well she has now aged out of the Jr Division so I guess they are going to let her show her talents  and let her expand out to other areas because her usefulness on the show is over. She is to big to dance with this team, she is shown to not have any improvements in dance. Please people. How many years are you taking your child to the same dance studio if they are not improving? hmmm? think about that for a minute and then realize we are not talking about the simplest mom on the show we are talking about a highly educated woman lining her waste basket with her PHD for reality TV. I am sorry Dr. Holly , you and your husband can write all the motivational self help books in the world but who will buy them when your on National TV allowing it to appear your own child’s self esteem is being stomped into the mud every week? There are those who believe reality means its real.

4. Maddie- What can I say. She is getting the work. We have all seen the magazine spreads on the internet. European magazines just love to sexualize this kid.  I am not sure how proud I would be to see my innocent daughter spread on a bed looking like a sex kitten and having people say she is the tween sex symbol. But then again she is not my child and I am not raking in the money for her doing these spreads.  Sia. oh yes, she danced for Sia. Sia is an acquired taste of deviants. Again sexualized a child.   Is Maddie the triple threat the producers want to convince everyone she is? Judge for yourself.  How many other girls on just this show do you see fall out of just about every turn they do? None. Is Her dancing improving? She can follow choreography and she should be able to. She had done the exact same moves since she was nine? Different song same dances with a few change ups. Why does Maddie go to rolling on the floor after her turns?  How else will you cover up she is falling out of her turn other than having her immediately go to the floor out of the turns.  But the fans wont notice. After all she has the dance world in a spin because she did Sia. After Chandelier she was known as the girl from the Sia video. Then she runs around in a cage climbing all over a filthy man who tweets his own issues daily. I never saw any dancing in this video. Then that third mess where is doing hand movements and making faces was not acting or dancing she did what any three year old could do.  I think I get the maddest over Maddie.  Here you have an amazingly beautiful child whose mother decided she did not like the way braces looked on her so she removed them painted up and dressed like a freak from horror movies to make a buck from a spread in an European magazine that has set the US on its ear.  Portrays freaks in videos and has not  done one thing that shows her true beauty.  She is a shell of a girl now with dark circles under her eyes. The whole world knows that the competitions they attend now are invitational events put on by the show and they show her winning. What they don’t show is you can go online and get the real results of these events They don’t always win.  Did you know that every single show she has ever appeared on TV is affiliated with Collins? She has never appeared on any network not in their affiliation. Why is that? She is his Shirley Temple. His money maker and as long as he can convince the world she is all that and a bag of chips she will soar because no one is checking what is really going on in the real competition world.  Yes, there are hundred of girls in her age bracket that can dance her in the dust. But they are not signed up for reality TV. Its not a world their mothers want for them.
Can she act. Well not according to any polls I have seen. Always stiff and robotic. Like she is reading a teleprompter for her lines. In Austin and Ally the acting was horrible but it was the best I have ever seen her dance. Again someone gave her good choreography and she can follow it and mix it up as long as she doesn’t have to make turns she cant fall out of.
This show has taken a talented little girl and exploited her dreams and wishes and killed them. She has gone from wanting to dance to now wanting to act in horror films. Is this because she feels ugly inside now?  Because she knows the truth of her fame is not what the public is lead to believe it is? Her so called mega troll fans don’t care. All they care is that they hate other girls and want Maddie to beat them all. At what cost?  Do improv, Yes, Maddie did a girl who hates herself. Why? Do three videos for an Australian pop star and wham its ugly and does not one time show the beauty of Maddie. They stole this from her. The smile is forced and her words in interviews are well rehearsed now.  Maddie is their puppet to destroy of succeed and they are not helping her to be the best she can be. Why? She is making millions and her dreams don’t matter to them. Do magazine layouts and look like death warmed over dressed in freakish costumes. Even the lay out of her modeling clothes shot in her own home this child is looking at the camera with such sadness in her face that she is screaming this is not me. White face makeup to look washed out? She wears better make up to dance class.  Go to the fashion review and the only picture the publish is a girl leaning over out of her seat looking down where the Hyland’s were sitting looking totally washed out and confused. Like “Why are they here, I thought I was special”

Everyone says Maddie has things handed to her and I have fought this notion for years but recently it was leaked that the kids choice awards were rigged with fake accounts voting. As of today Chloe Lukasiak is beating Maddie by over 20,000 votes for Teen Choice awards new category of Choice dancer. So what is teen choice awards doing? They are advertising to get people to vote for Maddie and Chloe is still winning. We shall see when its announced. Will the fake accounts come out at the last minute and vote for Maddie or will they just give it to her because it gives them publicity on this child’s back too? I guess the proof will be in the announcement.
I am not a maddie hater. I am a hater of the adults who have ruined this child. Who throw her at any thing to make a dime and who have allowed her dancing to suffer because of it.  The adults who stole a child’s dream. The ones who never allow her to dance beautiful videos. The adults who allow her to dress up like a 40s hooker for magazine spreads so they make money off this child. I hate that Maddie is no longer Maddie, She is a tween sex symbol Mini Sia but never just beautiful Maddie who only wanted to dance. I hear now she is also going to put out a singing video. Momma Mia we shall see.

None of these children need to be triple threats. Let them be good at what they are good at.  And give us back the real Maddie we fell in love with in season one not the faked out imitation who ever they can make a dime off of. Give Maddie back her life and her dreams and go live your own.

Dance Moms through the Seasons

Disclaimer: Just so we all understand these are just my opinions and rantings of frustration over seeing talent wasted.

I started out writing this blog all serious and junk but now this show has become a joke and comedy so decided its time to call a spade a spade. Jill you are not now and never will be an original. You came along in season two and bought your way into the group. Maybe you should have been paying some of your old studio bills first and they wouldn’t be cropping up on the internet now that you were sued for huge amounts of money by a former studio.
Jill is the one who amazes me the most on this show. What grown woman goes on national TV and shows the world that she is a back stabbing tattle tale whiny excuse for a woman? Jill does. Abby no sooner walks in the door and wham there goes Jill’s mouth.  Is there a string on that door knob? open door, open tattle tales mouth.  But that is not the worst of it. Jill talks about Maddie like a dog yet she runs to Melissa and tells her what the others said and never what she said.

Did any one else catch the reunion show where Melissa said Jill told her Holly said the kids had sub par education and all of a sudden Jill is waving her arms like a drowning person saying “I don’t want to talk about it, we don’t need to bring that up” Why Jill? Because you lied. Yea that’s my take on it.

What woman constantly hears her child say on National TV I don’t want to do this anymore, I don’t want this you do. Yet she continues to push the child to be on the show. Missing the mark completely. She should have gotten this little beauty into acting and modeling and left the dancing to those who wanted to dance and can dance. I love Kendall but the child will never have the body of a dancer.  NEVER.  She is built like her mother.

Now lets explore another mother who makes me shake my head. Dr. Holly Frazier. HELLO! She worked hard to get her doctorate and immediately threw it in the trash to be on reality TV? HUH? I understand there were contracts and she wanted her child to have the opportunity to be on TV but come on Dr. Holly. You are not one of these moms. Well you were not. You sure are pulling off the act pretty good now. If they hand out awards for best actor on reality shows she gets my vote. Holly tries to get all down and dirty this season to help LifetimeTV ratings by bringing the viewers back to see her do battle against Abby Lee Miller but it comes across fake as hell.
Nia is a beautiful well spoken young lady who has been held back since day one on this show. Holly has said Abby has her start routines on the wrong foot to make it look bad. Why are you allowing it? Tell that girl to go for it and sooner or later they are going to film her dancing well. How many times are they going to retake a shoot because your child is dancing well? Are they going to fire you? Contract.  One word answers all. Contract.  They cant fire you because your child dances well. But none the less this season Holly allowed Nia to be used to bring ratings back up for a woman and producers who have shunned her for five season. Oh that’s right she got a video paid for by the producers. But yet on the show Holly yells Abby is not supporting Nia.  But the fans without a doctorate are supposed to believe Abby and the other mothers are jealous of Nias video because Abby did not have anything to do with it. mmmm ok the fans don’t have a doctorate in our trash and I guess that makes us to dumb to read the writing on the wall. Admit it. You sold out for reality TV to get your child ahead. Nothing at all wrong with that but like you always say. Own it.  So just so we are clear Abby had nothing to do with Nia’s video. umm OK. How much stock does she own in Collins Entertainment?
What can I say about Kira? Well Kalani is a beautiful dancer who I will never understand why on earth someone her age is wasting time at ALDC dancing on a reality show.  She should be out getting jobs not sitting back watching dancers of less quality training get them all.  I guess it has to do with who needs money by having their child work at what ever comes along first.  Kira is destroying her child’s career with this show. She looks like she cant win. Oh hell yes she can win. The girls is head a shoulders above the other dancers on this show and I don’t mean in size either. She is just one hell of a dancer. Period. Get her out of there and working real jobs before you ruin all chances she will ever have. There is not much more to say except this show must pay really good money to go on national TV and have it told you stole credit cards and misused money. Come on.  Really?  That hurts your child too.

Now there are supposed to be two Zeigler girls on this show.  One is the star and the other isn’t. Lets see. McKenzie is a natural born star who if she had been put out there when she was seven would be the mega star now. But what happened to her career. She did a cute video called Girl Party with her sister dancing front and center stealing the thunder. She did a cute video called Shine where her sister steals the thunder.  Who is the tone deaf one working on this child’s videos? My God is she doing repeat auditions to be one of the girl chipmunks on Alvin? Stop it. This child has a beautiful voice and it is auto tuned to death and destruction. She is a beautiful dancer but all we ever see on TV is her standing on her head or shaking her butt to kiddie dances way beneath her talent.  Why? Oh that’s right she is not the designated star. She is in my book.   I wont even go into Maddie now that is an entire blog on its own.
But that’s just my humble opinion and how I see it for now.

Dreams Do Come True

I am so happy and excited to say I have been cleared by the doctor and the bone in my leg is completely healed. But that’s the small happy.  The Super Duper Happy is that I have been offered a job teaching dance in London for Four months and I leave Wednesday Morning. OMG I could not be happier.  I cant wait.

I will do my best to check in and tell you ever thing I see and do but if not please forgive me I will be busy living the dream.